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NIGHTSHAFT

Episode 01: JUL 22

Individual Points I Want to Talk About

Aren't we all excited that NIGHTSHAFT is back? I know I am. And just when you thought the writing for this horrible show couldn't get any worse, I submit the writing from the first episode, which shows that things are always possible.

So let's begin with the obvious: WHAT THE HELL ARE ROBIN AND PATRICK EVEN DOING ON THE NIGHTSHIFT? Last year the excuse was that they were being punished. What's the excuse this year?

So one of things we're going to do this year is keep track of all the sex junk that these writers can't wait to put in the script. Let's start keeping track of sex, sexual innuendoes, and all that good stuff, ALONG WITH all the medical screwups. I WANT THE IDIOT THEY'RE PAYING TO BE A MEDICAL CONSULTANT FIRED. Frankly, I think their consultant is probably Phelp's cat.

SEX STUFF
01. Patrick and Robin in the couch, where they've been fooling around.
02. Shirtless Patrick.
03. Nice push-up bra, Robin.
04. Shirtless intern.
05. Blond bimbette with bouncy boobs in a red bra. And let's not forget the panties. I want her to go bowling in that bra, and bad. Notice how they keep having her move up and down, so that you think there might even be a chance that she'll fall out of the bra. Up and down; up and down.
06. And now we have to listen to "does she have to dress like a prostitute" and the guy who can't have a conversation without touching his crotch.
07. The woman Epiphany pulls out of the car just has to have her boobs practically falling out of her dress.
08. Hey Blondie? HEY BLONDIE???? Shove it up your ass, Julian. And what Claire SHOULD have said was, "HEY AFRO", and made it clear that Blondie was a sexist term I would not tolerate, and he better clean up his act or he'll find himself in from of the administration on a daily basis.
09. Jagger has to walk out of Robin's bedroom in a towel.
10. Patrick has to remind Jagger to put on some pants. 
11. Dr. Hewitt Look-alike has got to be in the dressing room with only a bra and panties.
12. She's putting her clothes on. Oh my god, we have no semi-naked person on the screen. HURRY! So now Julian has got to take off his shirt.
13. If Julian's pants were any lower, it might not make it through the censors, assuming there are any anymore.
14. So we finally have our token gay guy, who just happens to be Julian's brother.
15. And we end as we started, with Robin straddling Patrick on the couch.

TOTAL MEDICAL NONSENSE
01. HEAD NURSES DO NOT HIRE ORDERLIES. And I don't care what Dr. Ford expects by the end of the week.
02. Evidently the medical consultant didn't realize that when patients rip the leads off their body, the monitor should go blooey. At least, THE MONITOR SHOULD STOP. But Robin pulls all the wires off, and the monitor keeps going as though she had done nothing. 
03. FELLOWS NEVER TELL OFF ATTENDINGS, nor do they try and make them look stupid. If I were Julian, I'd let Miss Priss know that the next time she purposely tried to make me look foolish in front of my students, she'd be out of here in 24 hours. Understand the hierarchy: Attending, Fellow, Resident, Intern, Medical Student. The truth is that the REAL hospital community considers this hierarchy sacred, and people who violate it by being assholes to the people above them, don't last long, no matter how cute they are. I'd send her packing, with a letter/email to the people who gave her the Fellowship, and after I was done, she'd be in all kinds of heavy shit.
04. STERNAL THUMPS DON'T WORK. I know in this case our Hewitt look-alike was lucky. But take a lifesaving course called "ADVANCED CARDIAC LIFE SUPPORT CLASS", and they tell you point-blank not to use external thumps because they don't work.
05. And as long as we're on this subject, even if the thump works, NOBODY just opens their eyes and starts moving around like nothing happened. That's ridiculous.
06. INTERNS DON'T GO AROUND LOOKING FOR STUFF TO DO. Interns have enough on their plate the way it is. And if they do decide they want to scrub in on something, they ask their attending first. Julian is right when he says they have no business volunteering for anything. And when the intern says that it was "slow in the ER", I would have come down on him like a ton of bricks. "Who in the hell are you to make the determination of whether it's slow in the ER? And what happens when a half hour from now it's a madhouse, but you're too busy volunteering up here?"    

01. Dr. Julian can't wait to tell us that there's nothing he hates more than ugly naked people. Well, Julian, there's  nothing I hate more than people with curly hair. I guess it's a standoff.

02. Julian's goal is to spend as little time as possible with all of you. After listening to this asshole, that would be my goal as well. However, I might take a moment to look over any information I was sent about the intern program at GH, most especially the part about the hospital's responsibility toward me and my learning. 

03. Don't you love Epiphany? What a jerk. Let me teach you something, Epiphany: UNTIL YOU HAVE SOMEONE'S TOX SCREEN, IT'S TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE TO HAVE YOUR FIRST AND ONLY QUESTION BE HOW MUCH THE DRIVER HAS HAD TO DRINK. Why not start by asking if she's had ANYTHING to drink? She would have been better off to stay unconscious, and stay that way until these idiots got back test results.

04. Well, we sure saw Dr. Ford for a long time, didn't we. I liked the guy. Of course, any doctor who's so stupid he pulls a piece of glass out of his neck like that, probably should have considered another line of work. 

05. PATRICK IS CHIEF OF STAFF? SPARE ME. The speech was terrible. "Dr. Ford would want us to move on from this." Really? You didn't even know Dr. Ford. You didn't like him, and you don't have a clue about what he would have wanted. BUT LET'S GET TO THE REAL ISSUE. Don't tell me there aren't other doctors who have been on staff for much longer, who are much more capable of taking over on a temporary basis until a permanent Chief of Staff can be found. Making Patrick Chief of Staff is stupid. Also, the audience was told, as I said months ago, that the creators of this show had finally got it through their thick skulls that NOBODY is going to put up with Jason being on trial for murder in one soap, and mopping hospital floors in the other. But if you go to GH, Patrick sure isn't acting like the Chief of Staff there. And there's no such thing as a night Chief of Staff and day Chief of Staff. So whose stupid idea was this?

06. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: PATRICK'S FIRST OFFICIAL ACT IS TO RELIEVE ROBIN OF HER DUTIES? What an asshole. For someone who seems so worried about the image of the hospital, just how does he think it's going to play with the image of the hospital when the hospital is sued for millions because he refuses to let a pregnant doctor work? This is just some more evidence that Patrick Drake should not be COS.

07. Now I want to take a minute to talk about his lasix thing. Actually, in the show, they use Furosemide, which is the generic name for lasix. The patient was given 80 mg, but only ended up peeing out about 450CCs. What they don't tell you in the show is that 450CCs of output is not very much; you would have expected a lot more liquid. When Julian asks "Blondie" what would be the next step, she tells him she would repeat the lasix. NO NO NO. Any nurse or FIRST YEAR MEDICAL STUDENT should know that you ALWAYS have to check potassium levels FIRST, where the results might show the need for a bolus before anything else.   

08. The female doctor that won the Jennifer Love Hewitt look-alike award was very interested in having Julian's students learn that there are times when there is more than one approach to a problem. This is what I would have said had I been Julian. "All of us, out in the hall." Dr. Hewitt here has decided that your education is really important to her, and that you need to know that there are alternative ways of dealing with medical conditions. I would have thought that you knew that already. Now I think your education is important, too. So let me give you some right now. (I turn to our Fellow) I am a resident; you are somebody on a fellowship, which I GUARANTEE YOU is going to end IMMEDIATELY IF YOU CONTINUE TO THINK I'M GOING TO PUT UP WITH YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD ME. IF YOU EVER TALK TO ME LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF MY PATIENT AND MY STUDENTS, IF YOU EVER PULL A STUNT LIKE THAT AGAIN, I'LL HAVE YOU OUT OF HERE SO FAST YOUR HEAD WILL SPIN. You got a problem, you talk to me in private. If you ever do this again, not only will you be gone, but I guarantee I will find out who gave you that fellowship, and when I'm done, you can kiss it off forever."

09. The girl's boyfriend is a real jerk. 

10. Now I know that Patrick acted like a jerk toward that woman who crashed into the ER, BUT MY GOD, NOTICE THAT EVERYTHING THIS WOMAN SAYS LEADS YOU TO BELIEVE SHE WAS DRUNK! Patrick even asks her what she was on and how much she had to drink. WHY COULDN'T SHE HAVE JUST SAID THAT SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DRINK, AND SHE WASN'T HIGH? 

11. Oh, I see, Robin; as long as the half-naked person coming out of your bedroom is the brother of someone who died of AIDS, it's okay. Patrick isn't very happy, and why should he be? Don't you own a cell phone? Couldn't you have done Patrick the courtesy of letting him know you had a houseguest?

12. I agree with Patrick: PUT SOME PANTS ON. I'm glad that Robin and Jagger think that's so funny, like Patrick is some 2 year old. But them? They're SO COOL, SO SMART, SO HAPPENIN'. I hate people who laugh at you with that smirky expression to signify that they know a secret, and they're not telling you, and you're too stupid to figure it out on your own, and they're sooooo cool. I always want to slap that smirk right off their faces.

13. Hey, Leo, why are you telling the Jennifer Love Hewitt lookalike that you're so sorry for walking in on her. First of all, it's clear that you're not sorry. But isn't this your dressing area, too? If she wants to flaunt her body in the dressing room, that's her business, but I don't see how that obligates you to apologize for the state of HER nakedness.

14. Okay, Julian, here's where you see what an ass you really are. You have the bedside manner of a doorknob. 'Course the only reason Jennifer Love Hewitt has such a good bedside manner is that her program isn't really well recognized, and she's trying to introduce alternatives. If the situation were reversed, she'd be acting just like Julian. But I digress.
@ Who is Mrs. Shelby ..... You didn't even know or ask the patient's name, did you Julian?
@ You never asked her how she was feeling, or even if you had permission to barge into her room, did you Julian?

15. Hewitt says, "My concern isn't how I treat the doctors here, it's how I treat the patients." And I would have said, "If you don't pay attention to the way you treat the doctors YOU WON'T HAVE ANY PATIENTS BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE HERE."

16. Hey, Robin, you are full of shit on so many levels.
@ You tell that man that when you really love someone, you accept everything about them, even the things you didn't bargain for. YOU THINK SO? I see. So if I love someone, and then I find out he's a serial killer on the side, I'm supposed to accept and love him anyway? 'Cause him being a serial killer certainly wasn't something you bargained for. When you love someone, you DON'T necessarily accept everything about them.
@ Butt out, Robin. I have no use for your sanctimonious attitude. He chooses not to spend what could be the rest of his life taking care of a vegetable. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude; I just don't know what to call the situation. Maybe when you're done you should stop by Carly's house and give her shit because she decided to put Michael in a care facility and not slave over him 24 hours a day herself.

17. You know, times have certainly changed. It's nice to see that a pregnant woman wants to keep her keep fashion sense by wearing three-inch heels.