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NIGHTSHAFT

Episode 02: JUL 29

Individual Points I Want to Talk About

SEX STUFF - Continued

01. Patrick and Robin in the couch, where they've been fooling around.
02. Shirtless Patrick.
03. Nice push-up bra, Robin.
04. Shirtless intern.
05. Blond bimbette with bouncy boobs in a red bra. And let's not forget the panties. I want her to go bowling in that bra, and bad. Notice how they keep having her move up and down, so that you think there might even be a chance that she'll fall out of the bra. Up and down; up and down.
06. And now we have to listen to "does she have to dress like a prostitute" and the guy who can't have a conversation without touching his crotch.
07. The woman Epiphany pulls out of the car just has to have her boobs practically falling out of her dress.
08. Hey Blondie? HEY BLONDIE???? Shove it up your ass, Julian. And what Claire SHOULD have said was, "HEY AFRO", and made it clear that Blondie was a sexist term I would not tolerate, and he better clean up his act or he'll find himself in from of the administration on a daily basis.
09. Jagger has to walk out of Robin's bedroom in a towel.
10. Patrick has to remind Jagger to put on some pants. 
11. Dr. Hewitt Look-alike has got to be in the dressing room with only a bra and panties.
12. She's putting her clothes on. Oh my god, we have no semi-naked person on the screen. HURRY! So now Julian has got to take off his shirt.
13. If Julian's pants were any lower, it might not make it through the censors, assuming there are any anymore.
14. So we finally have our token gay guy, who just happens to be Julian's brother.
15. And we end as we started, with Robin straddling Patrick on the couch.
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16. Once again we have Claire dressing.
17. And there's Kyle dressing, and talking about urination, with his pants practically down to his knees.
18. Straight men should not be allowed to live in an unsupervised environment.
19. And let's not forget that daring and fascinating discussion regarding the varied uses of lotion.
20. I'd give my left breast for an apartment with hardwood floors. Honey, if that's an equitable trade for you, you are really dumber than you look.
21. And now Afro and Jennifer Love are discussing rushing off to a certain very private supply closet on the third floor. (Incidentally, if I were her, I'd ask just how he knows about that third floor closet).
22. And now we have our obligatory naked patient.
23. And now we have our naked patient showing us just about everything he can with that gown still on.
24. And exactly who gave the Chief of Staff the right to say about the intern in the room with them, "Dr. (whatever) still has a couple of hours left on her shift, but if you're still conscious when she gets off I'm sure she'd be happy to join you." EXCUSE ME?
25. Patrick says to Robin, "Why don't you and me go to my office for a pastrami sandwich." And of course Robin has to say, "is that what they're calling it these days."
26. There's Julian without his shirt again.
27. A little nookie in the Chief of Staff's office.
28. And now we have to wonder if Julian is going into a room first so his ass came be admired properly.
29. And what would another episode be like without more of Jagger with no shirt, which once again Patrick has to point out to him. If I were Patrick, I'd make some comment about how he seems to be quite an exhibitionist, since practically every time they see him he's walking around preening without his shirt. Patrick, ask him if he kisses himself occasionally because he thinks he's so beautiful.

TOTAL MEDICAL NONSENSE - Continued

01. HEAD NURSES DO NOT HIRE ORDERLIES. And I don't care what Dr. Ford expects by the end of the week.
02. Evidently the medical consultant didn't realize that when patients rip the leads off their body, the monitor should go blooey. At least, THE MONITOR SHOULD STOP. But Robin pulls all the wires off, and the monitor keeps going as though she had done nothing. 
03. FELLOWS NEVER TELL OFF ATTENDINGS, nor do they try and make them look stupid. If I were Julian, I'd let Miss Priss know that the next time she purposely tried to make me look foolish in front of my students, she'd be out of here in 24 hours. Understand the hierarchy: Attending, Fellow, Resident, Intern, Medical Student. The truth is that the REAL hospital community considers this hierarchy sacred, and people who violate it by being assholes to the people above them, don't last long, no matter how cute they are. I'd send her packing, with a letter/email to the people who gave her the Fellowship, and after I was done, she'd be in all kinds of heavy shit.
04. STERNAL THUMPS DON'T WORK. I know in this case our Hewitt look-alike was lucky. But take a lifesaving course called "ADVANCED CARDIAC LIFE SUPPORT CLASS", and they tell you point-blank not to use external thumps because they are extremely unreliable.
05. And as long as we're on this subject, even if the thump works, NOBODY just opens their eyes and starts moving around like nothing happened. That's ridiculous.
06. INTERNS DON'T GO AROUND LOOKING FOR STUFF TO DO. Interns have enough on their plate the way it is. And if they do decide they want to scrub in on something, they ask their attending first. Julian is right when he says they have no business volunteering for anything. And when the intern says that it was "slow in the ER", I would have come down on him like a ton of bricks. "Who in the hell are you to make the determination of whether it's slow in the ER? And what happens when a half hour from now it's a madhouse, but you're too busy volunteering up here?"
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07. HOSPITALS DON'T ALLOW INTERNS AND ATTENDINGS TO BE RELATED. This whole thing is ludicrous. Can you image how much liability the hospital would set itself up for if it allowed interns to be taught by their relatives? For example, it's one thing when they hate each other, but let's look at the opposite situation. Let's suppose the brothers really liked each other. The rest of the people in the program would CONSTANTLY be going to the administration complaining that the attending was once again showing favoritism to his brother. There's no way a hospital would do this.
08. NO ONE GETS A BP IN 5 SECONDS. If you watch carefully, you'll see that they put the little girl down, Epiphany doesn't even put the cuff on, and in 5 seconds or less Epiphany is saying she can't get a blood pressure. OF COURSE YOU CAN'T.
09. The we have Patrick screaming for blood. How's he going to get the blood into her WHEN THERE'S NO IV?

01. No little kid asks someone to tell them what someone was like.

02. Please don't move back to Port Charles on my account.

03. Hey, Kyle, I'm getting tired of you already, and it's only the second episode. Once again Julian the Jerk is right; you need to show him more respect. If you were under another Attending, YOU WOULD NEVER TALK LIKE THAT or you would be gone in sixty seconds. Treat Julian the same way you would treat any Attending. And just for the records, you ARE the lowly intern, and he IS the godlike attending. Some day you'll be in exactly the same position, and you'll expect the same respect that Julian is expecting from you. 

04. You know, if Kyle really hated the thought that he was stuck in this crap with his brother for three years, then he should leave. Since the matching system had no business putting him with his brother as his boss, there's got to be a way of saying that they screwed up and he wants it fixed. 

05. I know this is going to cause trouble. Our red-headed patient with the crossword puzzle has the right to choose any physician she wants. But she doesn't have the right to make that choice because she demanded the answers to questions that were none of her damn business. Whether I choose to pray or not is none of this woman's business. 

06. And just like Julian has no right to treat her disrespectfully, SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO TREAT HIM THAT WAY, EITHER. SO PUT DOWN THE PAPER, or I'll put it down for you.

07. I'm a little confused as to why Epiphany is making such a total fool of herself over Jagger. She looks ridiculous, and for what?

08. Now here's where I start getting pissed. See, Robin you're just too damn naive. You think that Patrick being your boyfriend is more important than Patrick being the Chief of Staff. Boy are you in for a surprise. And now you think that Jagger being your dear, old friend is more important than Jagger being an FBI Agent. BIG MISTAKE. HUGE MISTAKE.

09. Now it's obvious that something is wrong with Stone. But I don't understand what they're doing. The kid sitting in the corner rocking is classic autism. But autistic kids don't just go in and out of autism; either the kid is autistic or he isn't. So as far as I'm concerned, they're manipulating symptoms in a way I don't understand.

10. This pisses me off, too. Jennifer Love has decided to challenge Afro. Is he too chicken for the challenge? Is he afraid Mrs. Hopkins will side with the witch doctor instead of the godless heathen? If I were Julian, I would have said, "Afraid that woman will side with you? I KNOW THAT WOMAN WILL SIDE WITH YOU. And you know why? Because people will ALWAYS take of side of the treatment with the smallest amount of pain REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT IT SOLVES THE PROBLEM. And that's the problem. I guarantee you, Dr. Fellow, that if my cure was painless, but really didn't cure anything, and your cure was painful but did the trick, she'd pick mine. So you can have Mrs. Hopkins. I'm officially turning her over to you; I want nothing to do with her, and I won't treat her."

11. Now I get really pissed. Jagger says, and I quote, "That little girl was smuggled illegally into this country." Now wait a minute. The girls parents said they brought her back from China. So is Jagger saying the parents are in on it. Or is he saying that because she was adopted she was therefore smuggled, or what? And how does anyone know if the child even had any parents? China has many many orphans. The Chinese, especially with girls, still don't go out of their way to take care of their own. 

12. THIS IS WHY FBI AGENTS ARE ASSHOLES AND CAN NEVER BE TRUSTED - BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID, TOO. So here is this little girl, who's going to die without the proper medical care, who may have been taken away from her parents in China and sold to this couple here. And do what's Jagger's solution? Take the kid away from the hospital, withhold the proper medical care that the child needs, and just for the icing on the cake, they'll PUT THE CHILD IN FOSTER CARE (WHERE SHE'S SURE TO DIE) until they can determine if the kid has a family in China. THAT IS SO - STUPID - SO - IRRESPONSIBLE I can't even begin to tell you. 

13. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T GIVE ROBIN MUCH TIME? Who in the hell are you? You said you wanted to repay Robin, and THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT? All she asked you to do was make a phone call, not destroy a family's life. But that wasn't good enough, was it? You just HAD to be a first class asshole. YOU'RE NOT JAGGER; FROM NOW ON YOU'RE JAGOFF. Come on, Robin, don't let this asshole intimidate you. Make it clear to him that he is NOT to tell anyone about this, and if he does, and can pack up and get the hell out of your apartment and out of town. BUT I HAVE ONE BETTER. I'd tell Jagger in no uncertain terms that I know something is wrong with Stone, something that he hasn't gotten Stone any help for. I consider that child abuse and child endangerment. and if you DARE to try to take this little girl away from her family and proper medical care, I will call the FBI, tell them about Stone, and make it clear to them that we're going to take action here at the hospital. Then I'm going to call Uncle Mac, and tell him you're abusing your son. He'll arrest you, and how about it if we send Stone to some temporary foster holding facility while we sort all of this out. I'm sure Stone will be unaffected, right? So it's your choice, Jagoff. DO THE RIGHT THING, OR BY THE TIME I'M THROUGH YOU'LL WISH YOU NEVER DID SUCH A STUPID THING.

14. Did you hear what Patrick just said, that only their responsibility to try and save her life IF IT DOESN'T BREAK THE LAW? WHAT? How many times has Jason been shot and Elizabeth helped him? What if she had had that attitude? The problem with Patrick as Chief of Staff is that he knows NOTHING about what can get a hospital in trouble and what can't. Do you remember how last year he operated on Lainey's father? Remember how that was totally against hospital procedure, but he did it anyway? But he has never even seen a book on what the Chief of Staff is supposed to do. And because he's had no training, he's become a jerk himself. 

15. I hate to tell you this, but even in China today, families sell off their girls without a qualm. Robin's laying there whining about how the child's parents must be wandering all over China calling her name. Nothing could be further from the truth. Everyone's fast to say she was smuggled into this country, but nobody is looking at the real point here: SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN SMUGGLED, BUT HER FAMILY WAS PROBABLY PAID, AND SOLD HER BECAUSE GIRLS ARE STILL LOOKED ON AS BASICALLY WORTHLESS. My point is that if you could snap your fingers and have her back in China with her family, there is no reason to assume they would welcome her back, or care at all. She'd just be another mouth to feed, and a female at that.

16. Now I'm really irritated. Our starry-eyed head nurse goes gaga over Jagoff. She used to go gaga over Toussaint. So ON HIS FIRST DAY ON THE JOB (or close to that), he hands Epiphany the wrong size French tube. Patrick gets all pissed at Epiphany, and then she treats Toussaint like shit. Well excuse me. WAKE UP. IT'S NOT LIKE THE MAN GAVE HER THE WRONG DRUG. And it wasn't like the guy was dying, either. A simple mistake was made, and corrected easily. Why Epiphany gets so bent out of shape is beyond me, but you CAN BET if I were Toussaint, I'd find myself another job right away. THE MAN APPLIED TO HAVE HIS OLD JOB BACK MOPPING FLOORS; he never asked to be doing anything else. MY TAKE ON THE SITUATION IS THAT YOU, EPIPHANY, WERE A LOUSY TEACHER, number one, AND THAT NO FLOOR-MOPPER TURNED ORDERLY HAS ANY BUSINESS BEING WHERE HE WAS ON HIS FIRST DAY ON THE JOB.

17. So Mrs. Hopkins has been in the hospital for days with IBS, constantly working on that same crossword, rather than even have a conversation with the doctors. FINALLY someone has had the guts (or whatever) to just take that damn piece of paper away from her. And lookie what we've found. The people at this hospital are really observant. No flies on them. She may not look depressed, but this woman is clearly \several cans short of a six-pack.

18. And now Julian comes screaming into Patrick's office, once again INCORRECTLY ASSUMING WITHOUT ANY PROOF that the kids parents are pining for her back in China. AND THEN HE DOES THE WORST POSSIBLE THING YOU CAN DO: HE STARTS SCREAMING AT THE PARENTS IN THE MIDDLE OF A PUBLIC LOBBY, SO THAT EVERYONE CAN NOW KNOW THESE PEOPLE'S BUSINESS.

19. AFRO BOY SHOULD BE SUSPENDED IMMEDIATELY. HOW DARE HE BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE? 

20. And that father is right. ROBIN WAS THEIR DOCTOR. SHE WAS TOLD THINGS IN CONFIDENCE. THEY TRUSTED HER. AND WHAT DID SHE DO? 
FIRST, she went to Jagoff, and instead of protecting her patient and her family, she allowed Jagoff to tell her he was going to take action. I would have told him the only thing he was going to take was a trip out of my apartment and out of my life.
SECOND, SHE SHOT OFF HER MOUTH TO Dr. JENNIFER LOVE LOOK-ALIKE, WHO PROCEEDED TO SCREW A CONFIDENCE AND TELL AFRO BOY, WHO FLIPS OUT. WHO IN THE HELL ARE YOU TO TELL HIM? I would never speak to her again because she can't be trusted. and I would just wait for the time when I found out something she wanted to keep secret, and I would get on the hospital's PA.

21. Then I would pay a visit to Patrick. I'd tell him he has 48 hours to resign as Chief of Staff or we are through as a couple. I'd make it clear to him that I have no intention of going through life not knowing if he can be trusted. You can't expect to be a doctor and administrator at the same time. Doctors and administrators are always at each other's throats, AND NEVER THE TWAIN SHALL MEET. Either you're an administrator (and therefore by definition, the enemy), and not someone I can trust, or you're a doctor and my man and someone I can trust totally. It's up to you, and you have 48 hours to figure it out.

22. If you expect me to feel sorry for Afro Boy, think again. First we have to listen to Afro Boy's sad tale of woe, as delivered by his brother. I almost puked when Blondie decides to feel bad for him, and Dr. Jennifer Love Look-alike has that, "oh, poor Julian, I came down so hard on the poor baby." EXCUSE ME WHILE I REALLY BARF. WHY DON'T YOU TWO CHICKIES FEEL SORRY FOR THE PEOPLE YOU SHOULD BE FEELING SORRY FOR - THAT LITTLE GIRL'S PARENTS, who are sitting on that sofa in shock, and crying their eyes out because they know some asshole like Jagoff is going to show up to take their child away. WHY AREN'T YOU FEELING SORRY FOR THEM, BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT JULIAN'S BEEN THROUGH, HE HAD ABSOLUTE NO RIGHT TO DO THAT TO THOSE TWO PEOPLE.

23. Tell you what Afro Boy, if you want your brother to stay out of your business then I suggest 1) You don't scream and yell so loud that everyone in the hospital can hear you, and 2) You don't act like a total piece of shit and devastate an entire family.

24. "Have you noticed something unusual about Stone?" asks Robin. Notice Jagoff doesn't answer the question, but anyone with half a brain can see there's something going on. IF HE HASN'T SEEN IT THEN HE'S EITHER IN DENIAL OR HE'S AN IDIOT. But here's what really grates on me. Jagoff says he didn't come to them for medical expertise? ROBIN, STOP APOLOGIZING. Jagoff comes to stay in an apartment occupied by two excellent doctors. Did he think they weren't going to see the obvious? And if there was any doubt about whether he knew there was something wrong, look how fast he grabs the kid and goes. He'd never do that if he'd truly never seen the problem before. If you didn't want anyone to know, why did you even bring the kid to meet Robin? You didn't think his actions were going to cause the doctors to raise an eyebrow?

25. "I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my kid by myself," says Jagoff. THAT'S A CROCK OF CRAP. Taking proper care of your child means making sure there isn't anything medically wrong with him. He doesn't have AIDS for christ sake, so what's your problem? And Robin, you should not just stand there and let him get away with the junk he's saying. Remember: you could always blackmail him because I guarantee you the FBI would not be very happy to know that Jagoff has a kid that (doctors are going to report to the police) has not been taken care of properly. What's more important? Daddy's ego, or the child's welfare?